


Nobody's Fool

by grey2510, ThayerKerbasy



Series: Hell on Earth [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eldritch Bunker - Freeform, F/M, Hellhounds, M/M, Prank Wars, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 10:04:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14306346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey2510/pseuds/grey2510, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThayerKerbasy/pseuds/ThayerKerbasy
Summary: According to Juliet's master, it was April Fool's Day. She didn't know what the difference was between an April Fool and a regular fool, but she was always interested in learning new things. She'd learned a lot since coming to live with her new humans, like how to convince them to give her fried pig meats — she'd even learned the difference between good and evil. She hoped these fools were easier to figure out.





	Nobody's Fool

Juliet had learned a great many things since coming to live in her new master’s Bunker Palace. She had learned about things such as Kriss Mess, camping, and beef jerky. According to her master, the most important thing she had learned was the difference between good and evil. Juliet wasn’t sure if it was the most important or not, but it was certainly the most difficult, and sometimes it felt like her people went out of their way to make things more confusing.

After hunting two werewolves and a shifter without going home between cases, Juliet expected her people to sleep a lot when they were done. Her master had even handed over control of the car beast to Cas for half the drive home, muttering, “At least you’re easier on the brakes than Sam.”

Samoose and Eileen were off on their own hunt, some ghost hunt that turned out to be worse than they expected. Juliet wasn’t sure of the details, only that half her people were somewhere else for awhile. She could find them if she needed to, but her master assured her that they were fine. She was still deciding whether he meant fine or “fine”.

Cas directed the car beast through the deep cave thing that led to the car beast’s kennel. Juliet thought it was nice that they kept all the car beasts together. She didn’t want her master’s car beast to feel lonely.

The moment Cas instructed the car beast to sleep, Juliet’s master woke. He sat up in his seat and looked around, then pawed at his pockets until he came up with his phone thing. All he did was look at it, but when he did, he grinned.

“Hey Cas,” he said. “Guess what tomorrow is?”

Cas frowned and handed over the car beast’s keys. “Monday?”

“April Fool’s Day!”

“Also Monday.”

“Okay, yeah, also Monday.” Juliet’s master stuffed the keys in his pocket and rolled his eyes magnificently. “But think about it! If Sam and Eileen make it back by tomorrow — which they should, since they left around the same time we did — we’ll have the makings of the best goddamn April Fool’s Day since…ever!”

Juliet had no idea what April Fool’s Day was or whether there was a difference between a regular fool and an April fool, but if her master was excited about it, then so was she. Her former master had dealt with a lot of fools in his throne room, so Juliet was familiar with the regular sort of fool. More often than not, they turned into ash after a while. Even though it wasn’t likely, Juliet spared a moment to imagine a day where fools turned into fire-kissed pig meats instead.

Hopping out of the car beast when the door was opened for her, Juliet circled around to the back so she could help carry things in. At first, her master had objected to her carrying his belongings, but Juliet insisted and he soon stopped protesting. She was a good dog and she wasn’t about to let a little thing like her master’s opinion get in the way of her doing her job.

As was typical of him, Cas went to the book room; since he didn’t sleep, he was likely going to spend the night doing book things. Juliet’s master should have dropped off the bags and gone directly to his room after such a long trip. Juliet was all set to follow him there and nearly tripped over her own feet when he instead went to the food room.

He opened the cold box and rummaged around inside until he came out with a bag of something green. “Aha! Perfect!”

Her nose told her it was some sort of vegetable. There were so many other better things he could have eaten if he was hungry, especially since he didn’t usually eat green things. Juliet was briefly concerned for her master’s well-being, but he didn’t eat it. Instead, he took the package out of the room with him to Samoose’s room.

Samoose didn’t like other people being in his room when he wasn’t there. Juliet had been told quite clearly to stay out unless he let her in. Thus, when her master opened the door to Samoose’s room, Juliet stayed in the hall and whined.

“What?” her master said. “It’s not gonna hurt anyone. It’s a harmless prank.”

And with that as her only explanation, he proceeded to sprinkle the round green things under the white covering on Samoose’s bed. When the bag was empty, he straightened the bed coverings until everything looked like it had before. “Been awhile since we had a good prank war. We could all use a good laugh right about now.”

Juliet had no idea what a prank was, but in her experience, war involved a lot of people getting hurt. Still, if her master thought it was a good idea, she was probably wrong. Giving the bag a sniff, she promptly put it out of mind and nosed her master’s hand. He needed to go to sleep so she could snuggle with him while Cas was in the book room. Juliet had her priorities in order.

***

"Dean! What the fucking fuck!"

Sleepily, Dean grinned as he listened to the sounds of a Sasquatch march down the hall towards his room. Blinking, he looked over at his phone—3:16 a.m. Sam and Eileen must have just gotten in.

The door burst open, the light from the hallway silhouetting his brother, who had something bulky in his arms.

"Hey, whoa, knock first! Give a man some privacy!" Dean barked out while Juliet did the same, albeit far more convincingly. She growled in Sam's general direction from beside Dean while he reached for the lamp. "Easy, girl."

The light revealed that Sam was carrying his bed sheets and, judging from the fact that his t-shirt was inside out, Dean would guess that he'd barely thrown on some sleep clothes before falling into bed.

Sam dropped the sheets onto Dean's floor. A few peas rolled out. "The hell, Dean?"

"Aww Princess Samantha couldn't sleep with a pea?"

" _A_ pea?! There's a whole fucking bag of them in my bed!"

Dean chuckled. "What? C'mon, it's funny!"

Sam just glared. "Yeah, well _you_ can explain to Eileen why it's funny."

 _Aw shit_ , Dean thought as Sam stomped out of the room again, slamming the door behind him. He hadn't considered Eileen and he was pretty sure she would destroy him if she ever set her mind to it. He liked his _de facto_ sister-in-law—hell, half the time they were on the same side ribbing Sam—but he'd probably just fucked that up royally. Dammit. Well, that would be tomorrow's problem.

Juliet's nose nudged his hand and he absently scratched her behind the ears. "Sorry, sweetheart—didn't mean to get you upset."

She whined, cocking her head to the side in question.

"Don't worry about it. But, if Sam tries to get me back, you let me know, ok? He'll probably try to sneak in here and mess with my stuff, or he'll throw out all my beer and replace it with green smoothie crap—oh! And if he goes _anywhere_ near Baby, you have my permission to scare the everlovin' shit out of him. No permanent damage or serious injury, though." _Even though he might deserve it, messin' with a man's wheels..._

The hellhound whined again, clearly trying to puzzle this all out. Dean laughed and scratched behind her ears some more.

"It's all in good fun. It's not a _real_ war. Just something humans do and then laugh about it. Sam'll come around."

Whuffing, Juliet padded off his bed onto the floor and over to her own bed. Dean frowned, wondering if he'd made her angry enough to turn down cuddling. And if that were the case, things must be serious because she was just as likely to not want to cuddles as she would be to turn down sausages.

But, the answer to his question came a second later when Cas opened up the door; she must have heard him coming. Cas paused at the threshold, frowning down at the sheets.

"What did you do?"

"Me?" Dean tried for indignant but unfortunately Cas knew him way to well to be fooled for even an instant. "Ehhh, someone might have, allegedly, put peas in Sam's bed."

Cas' eyes narrowed and then he nodded and stepped over the pile. "I'm assuming Sam will attempt to settle the score, and then you'll have to plan your own retaliation."

Dean grinned as Cas started pulling off his coat and tie. "Yeah, you want in? Oh man, we team up and Sam doesn't stand a _chance_ —"

"This seems like a family matter." Cas settled on the bed in just his undershirt and boxers, which Dean had insisted on whenever Cas came here to read or play on his phone or whatever while Dean slept; his bed was a suit-free zone (unless of the birthday variety). "The bed's warm."

Dean waved a vague hand in the direction of the corner. "Juliet."

Said hellhound snuffed a greeting.

Smiling in her direction, Cas said, "Thank you. It's pleasant," then picked up his book—something in Latin he'd been reading the past few nights.

Dean turned on his side, propping himself up on an elbow. "C'mon," he wheedled. "Don't you wanna help? It'll be fun!"

Cas just raised an eyebrow. "Something to consider: if Sam were to retaliate, and any of _my_ things were compromised—or anything that we share were compromised—I think I would be more inclined to blame the original instigator than the immediate perpetrator." He leveled a gaze at Dean.

Dean's jaw dropped. "You _wouldn't_. You'd betray me like that?!"

Cas shrugged. "I believe the phrase is, 'you started it.'"

"Aw, Cas, we're a team!"

"You should have thought of that before exposing your _team_ to attack."

Dean pouted and flopped back onto his pillow. "You're no fun."

"You say that quite frequently. Odd, considering you know how _fun_ I can be." There's a smile in Cas' voice and Dean twists his head to see the corners of Cas' eyes crinkle.

_Hell yes._

"Juliet? I think you should go, uh, check the Bunker. Make sure we're safe. Take your time."

***

Juliet wasn’t even disappointed at being asked to leave — not really anyway. She had a puzzle to solve and if her master was busy with Cas, she would get no answers there. No, this required a walk.

Turning up her nose at the pair in the bed, she dove through the darkness, emerging in the woods outside. The moon in the sky had almost been eaten away, leaving only the scraps of fat to light the night. When the scraps were also eaten, it would be good hunting. The prey which lived in the woods had grown wary of her, so a night when she could still see the things that were hindered without light was always good.

Prowling through the forest, Juliet didn’t bother to look for anything to hunt. The creatures would be there later, and she could still note the sounds and smells as she walked. For the moment, she only wanted to think.

Samoose seemed very upset. That was bad. But her master laughed. Seeing Samoose upset about the green things made him happy. Happy was good. But her master seemed to think that Samoose might do something bad. And Samoose had suggested that Eileen wasn’t happy about the green things either, which was also bad.

That was a lot of bad and not much good. On top of it all, Cas didn’t want any part of the Fool War. Juliet didn’t always understand Cas — he was a sunshine/magic/smell-before-it-rains angel after all — but she did generally trust his judgement. It seemed he didn’t want to be involved, but didn’t feel strongly enough to say anything more about it.

Unfortunately, Juliet didn’t exactly have that option. She was completely and utterly loyal to her master, as a ‘hound should be. Her master had asked her to help guard and protect his belongings, which meant that even if she didn’t agree with his plan, she needed to support him.

That didn’t mean she couldn’t come up with her own plan. Juliet felt the smallest spark of an idea come to her. Rather than try to force it to kindle into something bigger, she allowed it to sit and grow on its own. Juliet was good at puzzles. Sometimes thoughts just needed to be left alone until they were ready.

Her course of action decided, Juliet decided to make her rounds. Abandoning the woods for now, she jaunted through the shadows into the car beasts’ kennel. Her master had been quite clear that nothing was to happen to the Impala Beast, so Juliet began her patrol there.

After searching the car beasts’ kennel thoroughly, she walked the halls of the Bunker Palace, searching for any sign of things out of place. The Bunker Palace itself felt confused by what was going on — which reassured Juliet that it wasn’t just her — but it must have sensed that Juliet was trying to help, because it opened its doors for her to more easily search for sabotage.

After walking through every single room and hallway, the only thing Juliet found that wasn’t as it should have been was her master’s bag. The bag which she had carried from the car beast into the clothes cleaning room had been moved into a dark corner of a distant storage room. She smelled fresh Samoose scent all over the bag’s handles.

She could have moved it back to the room where it belonged, but her master had been quite clear. Her orders were to tell him about it, not to fix it. Looking at the bag and considering everything she had been told, Juliet broke it down into facts:

  * She was supposed to tell her master about Samoose meddling with his things.
  * She was not to wake her master when he needed his sleep.
  * She was not to interrupt her master when he and Cas were smooshing their faces together to practice making deals.



It seemed to Juliet that she would have to wait. And if, in the meantime, she happened to get distracted while keeping herself occupied with other things, she might not remember to tell him until after he had already discovered it missing.

Decision made, she trotted out of the room only to find her favourite fetch ball rolling down the hall. Happily wagging her tail, she watched it disappear. The Bunker Palace must have agreed with her decision to not play along with the Fool War and was providing her with something to do. It was a good distraction. Her home was the best home ever.

***

Eileen was sitting in the library, reading, when Dean finished washing Sam's sheets, and he waved a little to get her attention before he started talking; he could get by with a few signs these days, but he was nowhere near as fluent as Cas or even Sam.

"Hey, uh, sorry about the peas. Forgot you'd be there, too." He shrugged as sheepishly as he could manage. Eileen just gave him a cold look. "I washed the sheets, and your...stuff. I just folded 'em and put 'em on Sam's bed, I didn't—uh, yeah. Sorry."

"Thanks." Eileen went back to her book, and Dean took the dismissal for what it was, retreating to the kitchen for some much delayed breakfast.

He'd gotten up early to get Sam's sheets in the wash, which he normally wouldn't have done if he hadn't been trying to make right with Eileen. He'd been especially glad he'd done so when he'd noticed some of her clothes in the mix, too. It really said something about his life that he'd thought, in the dim light of the bare bulb over the washing machine, that the goop on her shirt and bra looked more like ectoplasm than mashed peas, but he also didn't intend on investigating too closely. He wasn't a prude and it wasn't like he was put off by girly things, but pawing at his brother's girlfriend's bra was just a line he wasn't planning on crossing. So, he'd just thrown it in the washer and dryer with everything else and prayed that Eileen's bras were made of sturdier stuff than Lisa's had been and that he wouldn't be even more in the doghouse. Been there, done that.

For once, his prayers had paid off.

In any case, he was running on just coffee now and he could really use something artery clogging; he was pretty sure they had some bacon and eggs still, even though they were getting desperately close to grocery day.

Juliet padded in just as he was frying up the last few pieces, and she sat on her haunches by the table in her patented "oh look, I'm not begging, I'm a good hellhound, yep, just sitting here for no reason at all" position, which of course meant that he slipped her a couple slices that she wolfed down in barely half a second.

"Good girl," he said, scratching her neck as he made his way to the table with his feast.

It wasn't until he was mostly done with his eggs and the last bit of coffee that he realized he should have done his own laundry while he was doing Sam's. It wasn't like him to forget to do that, but he chalked it up to a late night with Cas—not that he was complaining at all—and being focused on not having Eileen pissed at him. Sighing, he finished eating and put the dishes into the sink to soak, then returned back to the basement with Juliet on his heels.

"What the—" he frowned when got down there. The corner of the room where Juliet always dropped his bag was just a patch of grey-brown concrete. "Juliet, you did bring my bag down here, right?"

She barked a yes, then looked at him as if to say, _Of course I did. That's what a good 'hound does_ , and that he was stupid for doubting her.

"Right, sorry." He sighed. He hadn't really thought she'd lost his bag but he'd been hoping not to deal with Sam's payback this early in the morning. "Did you see Sam take the bag?"

Juliet growled her version of a no. Son of a bitch. It'd take _forever_ to find where Sam had taken the bag—and who knew what he'd done with it.

"Dammit, Sam!" he yelled in the general direction of the rest of the Bunker. He was about to storm up the stairs when Juliet whined a question at him. Deflating, he turned back to her. She whined again, but with her tail wagging, and he nodded. "Sure, you can go hunt if you want."

In an instant, she was gone, disappearing into the nearest shadow. He stared at the spot where she'd been for a second in thought. Maybe she'd taken his instructions to guard his stuff (Baby, most like) a little too seriously last night and she hadn't gotten the chance to go out to the woods while he and Cas were otherwise occupied. And, knowing her, she probably felt bad that Sam had still gotten to some of his things while she was supposedly on the job, so hunting was a good escape. He'd make sure he gave her plenty of head scratches when she got back to let her know he wasn't mad.

Speaking of being mad, though—

"SAM!"

There was no answer as he reached the top of the stairs and so he started in the direction of the bedrooms. He was just about to turn down the hallway one junction away from where Sam's room was when he ran into Cas, almost literally.

"Dean? I heard you yelling—what's wrong?"

"Sam stole my goddamn bag and who knows what the hell he did with it or where it is—"

Cas raised an eyebrow. "Ah. So you're upset because Sam stole something of yours after you instigated a foolish prank war."

"It's April Fool's! The _prank_ isn't the foolish—" Dean cut himself off as Cas' eyebrow began to reach epic arching proportions. "Never mind, Spock. Not the point. Point is, it's gonna take all goddamn day to find the bag if he hid it somewhere."

Dean was pretty sure the corner of Cas' mouth twitched up ever so slightly. "Did you ask Juliet?"

"She didn't see him—"

"No, to track the bag. I'm sure it smells enough like you that she could find it easily."

"Aw fuck," he groaned and shook his head. "Didn't even think of it and she just went out to hunt."

Cas nodded. "And Sam's sheets…?"

"Washed, dried, folded—Eileen's clothes, too, 'cause I'm a fucking gentleman."

"An inspiration to us all."

" _And_ I apologized to her," Dean added triumphantly. Cas just gave him a less than amused look. "Fine, I suck. Whatever. Now I gotta go find my damn bag…"

Sighing, Dean made to go past Cas, but he was stopped by a hand on his upper arm.

"It occurs to me," Cas said, "that if you're unable to find your bag in a timely manner, then you will be unable to participate in our movie marathon." Cas took a step closer. "I believe I was promised cowboys."

Dean frowned at Cas. He could never tell just how much of Cas' participation in their movie marathons was Cas humoring him or actually enjoying the films. "What're you saying?"

"Follow my lead."

 

"I made it _quite_ clear, Dean, that those artifacts were _important_ and needed to be dealt with appropriately! If I had known you were just going to toss them into your bag like old boxers, I would have taken care of them myself!" Cas strode into the library, Dean following close behind and just managing to catch up to him and spin him around by the shoulder.

"I didn't just toss them into my bag! Jesus Christ, I ain't a damn rookie! I wrapped 'em up so they wouldn't break! And it ain't my damn fault the bag went missing!"

Cas stepped right up to Dean, his face barely an inch away, his eyes blazing. "Not your fault? Not _your_ fault? Really, Dean, explain to me how instigating this prank war, which backfired spectacularly, is not _your_ fault."

"I didn't take the bag, dammit! How the fuck was I supposed to know?" Dean shouted back, getting right back up into Cas' space. Their chests were maybe a millimeter apart and they were probably about two seconds from getting physical—and not the good kind.

"This is just your problem, Dean. You don't _think_. You're careless and thoughtless and—"

"Whoa, whoa!" Sam cut in, jumping up from table where he'd been hanging out on his laptop. "Cas, man, I'm sorry, don't blame Dean."

Cas rounded on Sam, and in that moment, Sam might as well have been four feet tall because Cas somehow looked _down_ on him. His eyes narrowed and he made an obvious display of calming himself. Dean was pretty sure he'd never seen Cas this angry at Sam. "I don't care what little _games_ you and your brother play, but when _my_ things are the collateral—"

"Right, yeah, sorry, I get it," Sam said, hands up in surrender. "Shit, Cas, really, I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"You will return the bag and my things unharmed. Right. Now."

There was a crackle in the air, like electricity, and Sam actually cowered, nodded, and scampered away.

Dean tried not to grin. _Damn_ was Cas a fucking badass.

As soon as Sam was out of the room and out of earshot, Cas' glare softened and Dean broke out into full-body laughter. "Oh my god, that's was fuckin' awesome. Sam nearly shit his pants….you see the look on his face?"

Cas had an honest to god _smile_ on his own. "I was convincing, wasn't I?"

"Fuckin' awesome, man," Dean repeated, still wheezing and with tears in the corners of his eyes.

"Some might even say that I'm 'fun'," Cas added.

Nodding and still grinning, Dean stepped forward, pulling Cas to him by the lapels. "Yeah, you are."

***

Juliet couldn’t believe how well things were going for her. Not only had her master asked all the wrong questions, but he had given her warm and crunchy pig meats and sent her off to hunt. Unfortunately, he and Samoose were still engaged in their Fool War, but she hadn’t given up hope of them maybe remembering the things they had taught her.

She didn’t really need to hunt, but she didn’t want to be anywhere nearby when her master found his bag. If she were around, he might ask more questions and she would have to answer them. No, this way, she could stay out of the whole thing until they hopefully remembered how to be smart again. Plus, she got to hunt.

After catching and eating a couple of small furry things, she knew she couldn’t put it off any longer. She had to check in on her people to make sure they weren’t being bad people. It was so like her master to teach her something and then need her to remind him how things worked. He was still such a pup.

Following her master’s scent led her directly to his room. It seemed the Bunker Palace was still trying to help her because the door was open the tiniest sliver. Not that she needed the help — Juliet could open doors just fine on her own — but if the door was closed, she wasn’t supposed to go in. With that little crack, she was able to nudge the door open without disobeying anyone. Careful not to disturb her people, Juliet stepped into the room and nudged the door shut behind her.

On the bed, her master and Cas looked up from where they had been all tangled up together. By their feet, the laptop was tipped over, playing a story about the people with hats and guns. Juliet liked those stories, especially the parts with the horses, but she didn’t often get to see a whole story because her master liked to send her to hunt or visit Samoose and Eileen before the story was over.

“Juliet?” said her master, untangling himself from Cas.

Juliet barked happily and made herself comfortable on her bed. She was careful to avoid a few of the soft things so they would continue to smell like her former master, since most of the soft things had taken on her own scent instead. They were still nice soft things, but not as good as the ones that smelled like demon-in-a-suit.

“Hello, Juliet,” said Cas. “ _One of us_ must not have closed the door properly in his haste. Should I assume you’re here to watch the cowboy movie with us?”

Excited at the prospect of an entire story with horses, Juliet barked and shifted in her bed so she could rest her head beside her master, who groaned but didn’t send her away. Good. Even if he did want to be a demon again, she couldn’t imagine he needed any more practice at sealing deals, and she really wanted to see a story through to the end.

Her master chuckled as he sat up and fixed the knocked-over laptop. “Cockblocked by my own damn ‘hound. Hope you’re happy, girl.”

Juliet had no idea what a rooster had to do with anything, but she was definitely happy. To show her master just how happy she was, she rested her head on his lap and nuzzled his hand until he gave in and petted her. In fact, she was so happy that she managed to forget all about the Fool War until the horse story was over.

The pictures faded to black, words appeared on the screen, and her master sighed. He and Cas glanced over at Juliet, then gave each other a look that Juliet wasn’t familiar with. It was all very confusing, but since she was never around for the end of the stories, she didn’t know if it was the usual thing to do.

“Well,” said her master, “since it seems cowboy time is over, I guess now’s as good a time as any to see if Sammy’s forgotten what day it is.”

Cas made his eyebrows scrunch together. “You’re not thinking of pranking him again, are you? Nothing about this has gone well for anyone involved.”

“That’s about to change. I’ve got the perfect idea. You know that green veggie crap he drinks?”

Juliet had heard enough. If she stayed any longer, they were going to try to make her be involved in a bad thing. Without paying any attention to her master’s plan, Juliet let her paws carry her through the shadow under the bed, through Hell and back out, until she emerged in the food room, where her nose told her she would find Samoose and Eileen.

The metal surface where they prepared food was covered in open bottles of beer. Samoose was cutting up tiny red vegetables that smelled a little like Hell and Eileen was doing her weird hand-talking thing. Juliet didn’t understand any of Eileen’s hand-talking, but the hands that were doing the talking seemed to be making very forceful “words”.

Wasting no time, Juliet left before they could notice her. Things were getting out of control. Her master and Samoose were doing bad things to each other, and while Cas and Eileen were trying to stop things, they were only talking and the words weren’t helping. Everyone wanted to win.

Halting mid-step, Juliet went over the idea that had just occurred to her. It was reasonable, it wasn’t going to hurt anyone, it wasn’t a Bad thing. She couldn’t see any flaws in it. She wished she could have had her former master’s advice, but since he was gone, she was on her own. Dashing through the shadows, she left to visit Hell.

***

"SONOFABITCH!"

Cas looked up mildly from his reading to find Dean glaring angrily at his phone. "Something the matter?"

Dean glared. "Sam set my phone to fucking Farsi or some shit and all my contacts to random emojis."

"Oh, that sounds inconvenient."

With an cartoonishly deep breath, Dean asked, as calmly as he could, "Cas, buddy, wanna help a guy out? You speak a bagillion languages."

"That's a gross exaggeration of my abilities." Cas returned to his book.

"But you know Farsi, don't you?" Dean's smile was tight and the words just barely passed through his teeth.

"I do."

"So, would you—pretty please—help me fix my phone?"

Cas closed the book and set it on the table. "Only because you asked so nicely."

"Sonofa—" Dean pursed his lips, his smile still stretched. "I mean, _thanks_ , Cas."

"Of course, Dean."

It only took a moment to return the phone to English—although Cas' thumb did hover over the Hindi option for perhaps a fraction of a second longer than it should have—and then Dean was stomping off again, muttering something about Sam paying for that. Cas sighed and picked up his book again, just as Juliet popped in from a shadow in the corner of the library.

The hellhound froze a moment when she saw him, then tilted her head as if in question. Cas stuck out his hand for her, and she trotted over to receive a head scratch.

"Don't worry, Juliet. Humans can be infuriatingly immature, I know. They'll get it out of their systems soon and you won't have to sneak around and avoid them."

Juliet whuffed against his hand, then leaned into his fingers, and so he increased the pressure as he scratched between her ears and along her scruff.

"Dean tried to get you involved, didn't he?"

Another whuff.

"Well, just make sure that you, as they say, make out on the deal. _Not_ that kind of deal," he added hastily. He was pretty sure that Juliet had a better grasp on deals and good and bad at this point, but it wouldn't do to confuse her.

Juliet barked happily and Cas suddenly remembered Dean's breakfast of choice this morning.

"You got bacon, didn't you?" Bark. "Good girl."

 

"Really, Dean?! Blue hair dye in the shampoo?!"

"What? I didn't think you'd take a bath in it. 'Sides, you look good as a Smurf."

"I didn't—!"

Cas only knew vaguely was a Smurf was, but he could understand Dean's comparison, even if it wasn't entirely accurate. Sam had emerged from the shower with a towel around his waist and bluish-purple streaks running down his face and back—and his hair more colorful than usual—and had gone after Dean to complain. He'd found them all in the library and Eileen's eyes had gone wide before she'd scurried away, clearly trying to disguise a laugh. Cas had excused himself a second later and caught up with her in the hallway, where he was now signing the brothers' fight to her.

"Sam's going to kill him," Eileen signed, biting back a giggle.

Cas shrugged. "I'm fairly certain that Dean only used the temporary kind. It should wash out."

Eileen smirked. "Just hope one of them cleans the bathroom. That shower was getting kinda gross."

"Either Dean will because he hates it when it's dirty, or Sam will because of the blue dye."

"As long as I don't have to, I'm not complaining."

Cas considered that, and Eileen's expression, for a moment. "You don't seem bothered or put out by the chaos."

Eileen grinned. "I'm used to making bad situations work for me."

"You've been benefitting."

"You think I wanted to wash ectoplasm off my clothes? Tossed 'em in with the sheets after the pea incident. Worked like a charm."

"I...may have ensured that Dean and I got uninterrupted alone time—except for Juliet—by scaring Sam into giving up his first prank."

"Nice."

Cas turned his head slightly in the direction of the library as the yelling picked up again.

"I'm not cleaning it up!" Sam bellowed. "And stop taking pictures, asshole!"

There was some scuffling and the slam of what sounded like a chair against the table.

"Watch it, Sammy! Gonna lose that towel!"

More scuffling, and then Dean appeared in the hallway, phone still in hand and grinning. Sam followed, still covered in the towel, which now also looked like a poor tie-dye job.

"Alright, alright, I'll clean the damn shower," Dean was saying. Clearly his brother's new coif was worth the extra cleaning chore. "Put some damn clothes on and stop dripping blue everywhere."

Sam stood fuming in the hallway for a moment, watching Dean go towards the bathroom, then he turned on a heel and went off to his room, not even acknowledging Cas or Eileen still standing there.

As soon as both brothers were gone, Cas and Eileen met each other's eyes and burst out laughing. He wasn't thrilled about this prank war, but at least he had someone on his side.

 

Cas sat across from Sam in the kitchen, each of them drinking coffee and absorbed in their own readings—Cas, a book on angels from the Men of Letters archives that was shockingly accurate in some areas and deplorably wrong in others; Sam, news on his laptop (which no longer made obscene noises when certain programs were opened, as it did yesterday). Cas, strictly speaking, did not need coffee, but it was one of the few human foods that he could get to taste like more than just molecules, and he enjoyed its warmth and the routine of it.

The blue in Sam's hair had mostly washed out by now, but there were still patches of his scalp and along his hairline that looked almost bruised. Cas wondered what the next prank would be. Dean had already poured out all the beer after getting one of the ones Sam had doctored with chili peppers, he'd preemptively thrown out and bought new shampoo and soap for himself, and he hadn't been seen without his phone ever since the tampering. Cas could only hope that Sam wouldn't go so far as to mess with the Impala because such an act might make the Apocalypse look like a schoolyard scuffle.

The table jerked suddenly with a bang as Sam lurched backwards. "Fuck!" He reached down, presumably to grab his knee, but also bent further to look under the table. "Juliet?"

Cas frowned. "Juliet's not in here."

"You sure? I just felt—I thought I saw—"

Sam was wearing his glasses and it was rather difficult to miss a two hundred pound hellhound, which only added to Cas' confusion. "Are you feeling alright, Sam?"

"Yeah, I just…" Sam shook his head. "Nothing. Guess I'm just on edge." He rubbed his eyes and took another sip of coffee.

"Perhaps less coffee and more sleep."

Sam snorted. "What, so Dean can shave my eyebrows?"

"I somehow doubt that Dean would dare risk disturbing Eileen while she slept."

"Good point." He sighed, but then straightened up, a slow smile spreading across his face. "But _you_ don't sleep."

"No, I don't, but—"

But Sam was up and out of the kitchen before Cas could stop him.

About a minute later, the Bunker's alarm system was making an unholy racket, the red and white lights flashing and the siren thundering against his ear drums. While it was annoying, it wasn't as painful as he would imagine it would be if he were merely human. Cas sighed and used a bit of Grace to dampen his hearing.

"Sammy! Cas!" Dean came hurtling into the kitchen in his boxers and a t-shirt, gun drawn, hair oddly flattened on one side and sticking up on the other, eyes wild.

"Good morning," Cas said and Dean scowled and lowered his gun. "There's still coffee if you want."

"God _dammit_. I'm gonna kill him."

"You got your four hours. I'm not sure why you're complaining."

Before Dean could respond, Sam came in, wearing industrial hearing protection and a giant grin on his face. "Hey, Dean. Sleep good?"

"Fucking hell." Dean marched off, past Eileen, who came in, looking at the lights in confusion. She had clearly already been up for awhile, judging by her jeans and flannel.

"What's going on?" she asked before seeing Sam's earmuffs. She rolled her eyes. "Never mind."

The alarm turned off and Cas let his hearing go back to normal. It was going to be a long day.

 

"Sure you don't wanna come with me?" Dean asked as Cas followed him into the bedroom. "Nice day, go for a drive—"

"True as that may be, accompanying you to the hardware store so you can continue your little war against Sam is too close to the role of accomplice."

Dean rolled his eyes, picked up his boots from beside the desk, then sat on the edge of his bed to put them on. He frowned, holding up one of the laces, which looked as though it had been chewed on. "The hell…?" He dropped it to inspect the other boot, whose toe looked rather gnawed.

Cas expected Dean to get up and shout for Sam, but he didn't.

"There's no way this was Sam—he wouldn't let something in here, would he?"

Cas shrugged. "Two days ago, I would have said no, but that was before this nonsense began."

"And Juliet wouldn't…" Dean looked at the teeth marks again. "Way too small for her anyway."

Cas had to agree to both: Juliet was incredibly loyal and would never purposefully destroy her master's things unless she had a very good reason to do so, such as if Dean's life were in danger. And Dean was right about the size of the bite marks: if Juliet were to ever bite a boot, only half of it would be left by the time she was done.

"Rats or mice, perhaps?"

Dean shook his head. "I'unno. Maybe. Fucking hope not. But we've never had rats or mice. Whatever the Men of Letters did when they built this place, they sealed it up good. Hell, the place wasn't even dusty when we moved in." Sighing, Dean bent over to shove his feet into the boots. "Guess I'm gonna be running another errand today. Man, I _like_ these boots. Finally got 'em worn in."

Cas fought against rolling his eyes. "You can still wear them for hunts. Just get yourself a new pair for special occasions."

Dean looked up, raising an eyebrow. "Thanks, Mona Lisa."

"The painting?"

Dean grinned, and finished lacing up his boots. Then, in a strange nasally voice, he said as he stood up, "I don't think some vampiya cares what kinda boots the sonuvabitch who chopped off his head was wearin'."

Cas chuckled despite himself. "I think I remember the lines slightly differently."

Waggling his eyebrows, Dean said, "C'mon, admit it: that would be a great version. Marisa Tomei out there killing vampires? Mhmm."

"Does that make you Vinny?"

Dean scoffed. "Please. Forget I called you Mona Lisa. She's the hot one who knows about cars. That's totally me."

"If you say so."

"I did say so. Would you say so?"

"You're ridiculous. And you're switching parts again."

"You love it."

Cas stopped resisting and let his eyes roll.

***

Sprawled under the book room table, Juliet couldn’t help but wag her tail as she listened to the chaos happening all around her. She was doing her best to stay out of the way so she couldn’t get in trouble for something she didn’t do. Well, something she sort of did, indirectly, but not physically. Whatever.

In his room, Juliet’s master was busy trying to figure out who ate his hidden stash of dried meat stick things. Cas was in the room with the blinky lights not far from Juliet, checking the warding magic on the Bunker Palace. Juliet sent her silent thanks to the Bunker Palace for allowing her plan to happen.

From the food room, Samoose shouted, “What the hell? Why is there garbage all over the kitchen?”

“Oh gross,” said Eileen. “Does this place have rats?”

“What? No. I don’t think so.”

“Because I think I saw something furry peek out from under the torn up garbage bag, but it’s hard to be sure.”

“I _knew_ I wasn’t imagining it. Hold on.”

There was the sound of a drawer opening and then the clatter of metal on metal, of things being moved around to find a different thing. The sound brought to mind the angel blade which had once stabbed Juliet. She could never let that happen to anyone else.

Scrambling to her feet, she raced to the food room at top speed, only to find Samoose poking at the mess on the floor with the long thing her master used to pick up hot food. In his other hand was an ordinary vegetable cutting knife. All the same, she skidded to a halt between Samoose and the thing being poked, all too aware of the fierce competence of the people she lived with.

Eyebrows scrunched up, Samoose stopped trying to poke the thing. “Juliet? What’s wrong?”

“Sam,” said Eileen, her eyes wide as she pointed just behind Juliet. “I think I know.”

Samoose adjusted the placement of his face glass things and leaned in a little closer, still holding the food tools in front of him. It wasn’t an angel blade, but Juliet wasn’t taking any chances. Giving her people a warning growl, she risked turning away to nudge at the pile with her snout.

“Dean!” yelled Samoose as he took a step back. “Dean, come deal with your dog.”

The sounds of running feet came from two directions, so Juliet — secure in the knowledge that everything was going to be fine — gave the “intruder” her full attention. While her people couldn’t see it, she still could, and if the situation lasted much longer, they would eventually figure things out. It was time to put an end to the whole thing.

Just as Juliet managed to get her jaws around the squirming ball of fur, Cas raced into the room, with her master close behind. All four of her people stopped and stared at what Juliet held, then it felt like they all started talking at once.

“Is that— ?” began Samoose.

Cas cut him off. “It is.”

“Juliet!” said her master, ignoring the rest of the people. “What the hell?”

Eileen shouted over the three of them, “GUYS! I can’t see what you’re saying!”

That was enough to make them all stop talking, though Samoose did a finger wiggling thing. Taking advantage of the silence, Juliet whined around her mouthful of fluff and bumped Cas with her nose. Without a demon around, she hoped Cas was the next best thing.

She didn’t know anything about angel true forms, but whatever it was must have been enough, because he took the wriggling pup from her with no visible difficulty. It must have sensed the power holding it securely, because it stopped squirming. Cas stared at it intently, and its form grew less hazy and more solid.

Eileen gasped. “A baby hellhound?”

“Yes,” said Cas, “it appears to have trouble manifesting its physical form.”

“That must be what chewed my boots and ate my beef jerky,” said her master.

“But how’d it get in here?” asked Samoose.

Her master looked her in the eyes. “Juliet? Somethin’ you wanna tell us?”

Not having any form of speech which her people could reliably understand, Juliet was saved from having to attempt some sort of guessing game when there was a loud banging noise. There was a silent communication between her people, resulting in her master and Samoose going up the stairs with Juliet following close behind.

Samoose waited pressed against the wall, still holding the vegetable knife. Juliet’s master nodded to him, then cautiously opened the door with a gun in his hand behind it. With the door open a crack, he stared through it and said, “Who the hell are you, and how did you find this place?”

Though she couldn’t see who it was, she could smell them, and was surprised to recognize the leather/bones/fresh meat/hellfire smells. She wagged her tail excitedly. After a moment’s thought, she folded her ears back and crouched low, tail stilling.

“My name is Connall, kennel master for Hell’s ‘hounds,” said the familiar voice outside. “I do not leave my charges lightly, but someone has made off with two of my pups and young Thor here tells me they are within your stronghold.”

Juliet’s master let his forehead thunk against the door. “Shit. Two? We’ve found one, but…”

“Winchester, yeah? Bonded to Juliet? I was concerned when I heard her bond had been willed to a mortal, but she seems to be thriving in your care.”

“Yeah, we’re doin’ just fine,” her master replied, opening the door a little bit more.

Juliet poked her head through the small opening to see Connall, his black leather clothing and leathery brown skin only slightly less ash-covered than usual. Though she wasn’t as familiar with his smoke form as with her former master’s, it was obvious that his true self wasn’t angry, but definitely worried. Beside him, and looking fully-healed, was Thor, the ‘hound who had once been forced to attack her and her master so long ago. If Connall was worried, Thor was obviously just happy to have a job to do.

Seeing Juliet, Connall inclined his head to her. “I’m glad to see you well, Juliet. However, I would appreciate it if you could return those two pups. They’ll be getting hungry soon, I’d imagine.”

“Uh, about that,” said Samoose, stepping away from the wall. “Open the door, Dean. It’s not like he can come in unless we power down the wards, so you’re just being rude. But yeah, um, I’m pretty sure the pups already filled up on beef jerky and scraps from the garbage.”

Rolling his eyes — something Juliet still envied — her master stepped back, letting the door swing open. “Alright Juliet, I think you’d better go fetch those pups for the nice demon.”

With two of the people she respected most telling her the same thing, there was no arguing with her orders. Bypassing the stairs altogether, Juliet took the shortcut through Hell directly into her master’s room where she had left the other pup. Unable to remain in a corporeal form for very long, it was busily trying to gnaw on one of her master’s socks with insubstantial teeth, which was a relief for Juliet, since her master was already upset enough about his boots.

After a few failed attempts, Juliet managed to carefully pick up the energetic little pup with her mouth. It tried to get free to play some more, but quickly stilled when her growl rolled over it. Her charge secured, she dashed through the halls to where Eileen was trying to pet the pup which Cas still held.

Cas regarded Juliet with narrowed eyes and furrowed brow. “You need me to hold this one as well?”

Grateful that he always seemed to understand her intent, Juliet offered him the other pup, which he accepted easily, though it meant his arms were very full. She then nudged his back, dashed past him to the stairs, and barked, which both Cas and Eileen correctly interpreted as a request to follow her.

The top of the stairs was fairly crowded, so Juliet just kept moving outside to sit just to the side of the open door. Connall considered her briefly before ruffling her ears. “Thank you, Juliet.” Accepting the pups from Cas, he continued, “And thank you, Holy One. I appreciate your assistance.”

“Yeah, okay, you can go now,” said Juliet’s master.

Connall smiled. “I have heard the rumours, but I see they are truth. Very well, Mr. Winchester, but remember what I told you.”

Between one moment and the next, Connall, Thor, and the two pups were gone. Juliet’s people all turned to face each other, but it was Cas who said what Juliet was thinking. “Dean, what was that demon talking about?”

In response, her master peeked around the side of the doorway and beckoned her over with one finger. After she crept closer, he said, “That was Hell’s kennel master. Seems _someone_ made off with a couple of hellhound pups that _somehow_ ended up here in the Bunker. Juliet? You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

No matter how well-intentioned her motives may have been, Juliet had to be honest with her master. Holding her head high, she barked to confirm his words.

“Alright,” he continued. “I mean, I figured as much, but…why?”

Juliet could convey so many things through body language and her bond with her master, but her master’s question required more. After a moment’s consideration, she barked for her people to follow her and ran back down the stairs, leaping through a shadow after the first step. By the time they all gathered around the table with the circle things, Juliet was already waiting with an assortment of things for them to see.

Samoose named off the things on the table. “My blanket, Dean’s bag, a bottle of beer, my shampoo… Dean, this is all stuff from the pranks we played on each other.”

“But why bring in hellhound pups?” asked Cas. “Was it just another prank?”

Juliet thought the answer at her master so hard, it was a relief when he said, “I don’t think so. She’s been avoiding all this since we started it, right? And what did we do when the hellpups started making mischief?”

“You were both too busy to prank each other,” replied Eileen.

“Right, she was distracting us,” said Juliet’s master, “and I think I get it. Nobody was happy. I mean, pullin’ off a good prank, that’s satisfying, but in between we kept getting pissed off at each other. That couldn’t’ve been fun for her to be around.”

“That makes two of us,” said Cas.

“Make that three,” said Eileen.

Her master held up both hands. “Alright, I get it. We took it too far. No more pranks. To prove we’re sorry, Sam n’ I’ll clean up the kitchen while you guys relax.”

“Wait, what?” said Samoose.

Cas sighed. “I’ll help.”

Juliet didn’t wait around for them to sort it out between them, but instead gave her master’s face a grateful lick, then shadow jumped away in search of her favourite fetch ball. It was exactly where she remembered leaving it, so she snatched it up and brought it back with her, dropping it at Eileen’s feet.

Picking up the ball, Eileen scratched behind Juliet’s ears with one hand and tapped Samoose’s arm with the ball. “You know, those hellhound puppies were pretty cute. Maybe we should see if that kennel master guy will let us have one.”

Samoose’s eyebrows went up and his jaw went down and he said, “Uhhhh…”

Eileen laughed. “I’m kidding! Those puppies look like way too much work. Besides, we’ve already got the best hellhound.”

“Damn right we do!” said Juliet’s master.

Juliet was pretty sure she had the best people a ‘hound could have asked for, even if she did occasionally have to teach them things.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like our stuff, we have more!  
> [Thayer's works](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThayerKerbasy/works)  
> [Grey's works](https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey2510/series)  
> And we Tumblr! @[grey2510](https://grey2510.tumblr.com/) and @[thayerkerbasy](https://thayerkerbasy.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!!


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